The How To's: Rule #1

I've been meaning to post this for a while, but have been so busy with other things. I've been thinking about posting a "How To Deal with your Asian Parent" column and as time passes, I worry that my inaction has lead to my omitting some of my original ideas and thoughts.

Now, I don't mean to address this issue glibly. The topic of inter-generational (and -cultural, at that) conflict is serious and can have longlasting implications not only on your wellbeing, but the tone of your relationship with your parents. All too often I have heard of the consequences of a 2nd Gen trying to individuate or mark his/her path on the world. I'm hoping that what I offer here doesn't lead conflict, but I realize that the establishment of one's sanity sometimes does come at a price. In a perfect world, familial harmony and self-individuation wouldn't be at conflict, but we know that they often are. So here's a stab at helping you achieve the latter, with the hope that the former is obtainable.

I also have to add the caveat that some of my ideas here pertain to individuals who have some independence (meaning, money and living conditions). Certainly, if you are still living at home, you will have a lot less freedom to test out some of these ideas. Still, I hope that it'll provide you with some guidance of what to do someday when you are ready.

Rule #1: Accept that you will never be who or what they want you to be.
This is the hardest part of changing how you deal with your Asian parent. Before I say more about this, I want to make clear that you need to accept this not because you are incapable of achieving your parents' standards, but because they are their standards and not yours.

Simply put, it is impossible (over the long term, at least) to demand that someone be someone or do something that is not true to who they are. Why? Well, at the risk of going too much into psychology research, humans tend to do better when they are intrinsically motivated (as opposed to extrinsically). That is, we like to be able to set our own goals and achieve them according to our own personal priorities. When our parents tell us what to do, it is based on their intrinsic motivations, and not ours.

Research has also shown that individuals who are given positive feedback tend to perform better than individuals who receive punishment. So, this is a double whammy for a lot of 2nd Gens. Not only are we trying to achieve our parents' goals and hopes, but we're also often doing so in the hopes of avoiding punishment.

Now, I'm not suggesting you ignore entirely what your parents tell you. There needs to be some wisdom and discretion on your part to not just be contrarian. However, if it comes to a point when you are feeling that you have done everything you can and that it is still not good enough, you may need to rethink their standards and question whether they are reasonable.

In particular, I'm most concerned with the phenomenon of learned helplessness. Martin Seligman, a famous psychologist, discovered that if you shocked a dog repeatedly without allowing him the opportunity to avoid the shock, the dog would eventually give up and stop reacting to the shocks (Note: this is a very very liberal summary of the experiment. I suggest you look up Martin Seligman, as his work is fascinating). Over time, the concepts of learned helplessness and depression have become closely tied - they share the traits of hopelessness, lack of effort or motivation for change, and the act of submission.

I often see that APS engenders the very same states in 2nd Gens: learned hopelessness and depression. It's understandable - if one repeatedly tries his best and fails to achieve his parents' standards, he will eventually give up. Accompanying the acceptance of failure is often a sense of sadness and self-disappointment, and worse, depression. Not good.

So, perhaps to avoid this, it is important to realize that your efforts are not successful not because you are failing, but because the standards were impossible to meet in the first place. This may take some work (and I highly recommend therapy) and some heavy internal wrangling, but I believe that it is important to dissociate oneself from the unreasonable. And more important, to stop oneself from internalizing the unachievable ideal.

To reiterate-- Rule #1: Accept that you will never be who or what they want you to be.