The Absolutes

In actuality, there are very few absolutes in life, unless you are a 2nd gen... and then absolutes come in a swath: GPAs, degrees, personality, job types, significant others and so on.

In my mind, though, there are a few absolutes that 2nd gen kids should know and claim for themselves. After all, when you are being pushed to be reach that ever-moving bar, there seems to be no absolute rule to know when you will finally be "good enough."

Here they are:
1. It is never acceptable for your parents to use their death or health as emotional leverage against you.

2. Weight, reproduction, skin conditions such as acne, are not topics that should be readily up for discussion the way the weather is.

3. Anger, sadness, jealousy, rage are not bad. They are emotions. We have them for a reason. Feeling them is not the problem. Acting upon them is.

4. Good people feel angry, sad, jealous, rageful, and bitter. Good people are not happy, perfect, and loving 100% of the time.

5. It is better to express how you feel than to bottle them up or try to convince them to go away. The key is to express them in a sincere and honest way.

Setting the doubt afire

I was talking to a good friend a few weeks ago who recently went through a divorce. It was a difficult and protracted experience for him and painful for me to helplessly watch him go through it. As the marriage neared its end, I knew that he had exhausted every possible answer or solution, and his acceptance of the inevitable marked the end of not only their union, but what had previously been an unflagging sense of hope, determination, and commitment.

Which is why I was aghast when my friend told me that his parents were chastising him - for letting the marriage fail, for not taking back his ex-wife, especially as he was getting older and probably couldn't find anyone else to marry.

The first reaction I had was - What ever happened to parents being the champion of their children?

But then, what really pushed me over the edge is that, after listening to months and months of this haranguing from his parents, my friend finally lost his patience and retaliated against the verbal garbage by getting upset. Upset because it was hurtful, upset because he could do nothing about it, and upset because it made him feel bad. And that is when they laid it on super thick and started accusing him of having a bad temper. So, in other words, he was "bad" for getting upset at some hurtful, mean, and unhelpful things that were being said to him persistently and relentlessly.

He described it as psychological warfare. For you who don't know, it is a form of emotion sabotoge, and it's called gaslighting. It's something psychologists use quite a bit and the term originates from a 1944 film (Gas Light - hence the word) starring Ingrid Bergman in which a wife is slowly driven to madness by a husband who insists that strange phenomena she is actually seeing is really a function of her own descent into insanity. So, naturally she does go a little insane - how else do you account for something you know to be real, only to be told that it's not real?

How does this relate to the above example? Well, my friend knows that his feelings of being hurt and attacked are real, and that his emotional reaction of being angry and upset is logical and necessary. It's a natural form of self-protection. And yet, when he starts to react this way, his parents tell him that it is wrong and that he's a bad person to do so.

And so the message is - take the abuse, and if you strive to protect yourself, you're a bad person for doing so. Thankfully, my friend is old enough to know better. But I know this happened to me and to many of my 2nd gen friends as children; we were taught that fighting back or standing up for ourselves was a bad thing to do. Some of us still feel like we are doing something wrong when we have impulses to defend ourselves, because then we are being bad. And who wants to be bad?

Some of us also feel guilty, because our parents claim that everything they do is done out of love. They are only saying these things because nobody else will, and when they die, who will tell us the truth of how awful and flawed we are? Might as well take it now, because they only want the best for us. And us getting angry is totally showing how unappreciative we are to their love. How could we disregard their love and return back their care and good love with anger?

So, we are then left without a way to defend ourselves against whatever useless drivel comes our way. In my mind, it's probably the most insidious way of rendering an individual completely helpless and unequipped for the cruelties world. Of course, it also leaves an emotional hook in you. It's a free access pass to the guilt and fear we all have of being a bad person.

The solution?

Accept that we are all flawed and imperfect, but you are not wrong in the way your parents tell you you are. Accept that feelings of anger and guilt are normal and healthy when you are being attacked.
Accept that your parents do love you in their own way and that they can never love you the way you hope they would.
Spend a lot of time, and I mean a lot, being brutally honest with yourself about the points on which your parents are right or wrong. And if they are wrong, and you know it, be willing to accept the costs of your decision and stick to it. That's the only way you'll learn.
Find really good mentors and friends. For the latter, I'm not talking about activity partners. I'm talking about the type of friends who will tell you honestly what kind of person you are and be there for you when you really need them. Make a group out of them, sample their viewpoints, and begin building a new perspective of yourself. Depend on them, and not your parents for a reflection of who you are.

The How To's: Rule #2

Rule #2: With respect to romantic relationships, remember that you are the one doing the dating (marrying, courting, sexytime, whatever), not them.

Ugh. This one is rough. Really rough.

What to do when you are dating someone that your parents despise, disapprove, loathe, reject, disparage, ? I myself was in this situation numerous times, sometimes with good reason, other times not. In the end, I thankfully did not end up with my college boyfriend, and I thankfully did end up with my current partner, both of whom my parents both did not like. Their reasons for disliking each of them (along with the other fellows I dated along the way) both were and were not justified.

But the issue wasn't really whether or not they were right or reasonable or logical, or whether or not, in the end, he was "The One" for me. The issue was that I felt my own voice so crowded out by the panoply of their opinions that I couldn't muster my own. Interestingly, this took place on multiple levels. The first is that I could hear everything they had said in my head, loud and clear. During dates, the running commentary loop ran unceasingly through my head: "He's too short. He's not Ivy-league educated. His family doesn't have as much education as we do..." Imagine the Times Square sign with bright red lettering, except as a voice in your head. Impossible to block out, and yet, so so so incredibly exasperating and persistent.

On the second level, to make things worse, I had a really maddening case of what I call Metacognition Disease - inability to control secondary thoughts about initial thoughts. If I was angry at him for eating all my mochi, was it because they had pointed out to me that he had a tendency to be selfish? When I felt a disagreement arising, was it over something that bothered them or me? And if I did agree with their assessment, did it mean I was becoming them? Did I insist on staying with him because I wanted to defy my parents? If I didn't stay with him, was I giving into my parents' demands? I had no idea where my concerns or thoughts or decisions were coming from; dissociating their opinions from mine became a futile attempt at mind control.

There were also the fears about the future. How was I ever going to bring him into my family, knowing how they felt about him? And how was he ever going to be comfortable in my family, with full knowledge of how they felt about him? It's really hard to stay present in a relationship when the future inevitably holds insurmountable hurdles. Whatever joy you feel in the present is tainted and dimmed by the prospect of the looming difficulty.

Ok. So now that I've fully expounded on the insanity that ensues with more than 2 people in your relationship, I'll tell you how I got out of it.

It is my belief that one can never, ever, ever, be happy in a relationship unless it is completely his/her decision to be in it. (I think this applies as well to a profession, a major, an intramural soccer team, and your dinner entree choice, amongst other things). But what I mean by that is that unless you yourself have poured yourself completely into, and stand completely behind, why you are in the relationship, it won't go anywhere. Even if that means you are fighting against your parent's opinions.

And here's why. Relationships are really hard. 50% of couples don't get divorced for sh*ts and giggles. It takes work, lot of talking, honesty, you dropping that ego, and a willingness to give up what you want. And, unless you really want to do that, you aren't going give up what you want and it won't work. Fortunately, I do believe that most of us know what we really like and want. We know we prefer a certain look of a guy, we know how we want to feel around our partner (yeah, that crappy lonely feeling of not being understood is NOT what you want). We know it, but we are afraid of admitting it. Because what if we were honest with what we really wanted and chased it and failed? Well, there's no way of knowing if you will fail unless you throw yourself completely into giving it an honest attempt.

So, let's take the case of if what your parents say is true about your partner: "She is too short and likes to spend your money." Fine. Give them credit if it's true, but if it honestly doesn't matter to you, and you're willing to spend your day fighting for your relationship with someone who is short and a spendthrift, then do it. And if being with someone who is Harvard educated, tall, and rich means essentially nothing to you because that's not what you'll need to fight through the tough times, then be true to that. Don't seek that which you do not want. Seek what you need that makes YOU, and not your parents, want to carry through the years to come. And, in defense of your parents, don't blame them for being right. If what they said is chafing, it's probably because it's true and you're bothered by it too. However, just because a trait or quality bothers them and is something they cannot tolerate, does not mean the same for you. 

So when I say that remember it's you that's doing the dating, I'm saying, be brutally honest with yourself on what you need and want to make it through to the end of the day. If your parents call you out on something on what you need but don't have, pay heed to it. If they are worried about something that seems crucial to them but is irrelevant to you, ignore it.

And one last thing I want to add is that you and your partner will NOT become your parents. You can stop that with a healthy dose of brutally honest insight and determination (and maybe some therapy if you are really distressed over this). Don't let that fear stop you from giving someone worthwhile a good chance. We are all similar to our parents in some way, shape or form. Just remember that similarity does not equal manifestation.

Now go forth and be happy. Everyone deserves to be madly in love with the person they want to be. And so you do.

The How To's: Rule #1

I've been meaning to post this for a while, but have been so busy with other things. I've been thinking about posting a "How To Deal with your Asian Parent" column and as time passes, I worry that my inaction has lead to my omitting some of my original ideas and thoughts.

Now, I don't mean to address this issue glibly. The topic of inter-generational (and -cultural, at that) conflict is serious and can have longlasting implications not only on your wellbeing, but the tone of your relationship with your parents. All too often I have heard of the consequences of a 2nd Gen trying to individuate or mark his/her path on the world. I'm hoping that what I offer here doesn't lead conflict, but I realize that the establishment of one's sanity sometimes does come at a price. In a perfect world, familial harmony and self-individuation wouldn't be at conflict, but we know that they often are. So here's a stab at helping you achieve the latter, with the hope that the former is obtainable.

I also have to add the caveat that some of my ideas here pertain to individuals who have some independence (meaning, money and living conditions). Certainly, if you are still living at home, you will have a lot less freedom to test out some of these ideas. Still, I hope that it'll provide you with some guidance of what to do someday when you are ready.

Rule #1: Accept that you will never be who or what they want you to be.
This is the hardest part of changing how you deal with your Asian parent. Before I say more about this, I want to make clear that you need to accept this not because you are incapable of achieving your parents' standards, but because they are their standards and not yours.

Simply put, it is impossible (over the long term, at least) to demand that someone be someone or do something that is not true to who they are. Why? Well, at the risk of going too much into psychology research, humans tend to do better when they are intrinsically motivated (as opposed to extrinsically). That is, we like to be able to set our own goals and achieve them according to our own personal priorities. When our parents tell us what to do, it is based on their intrinsic motivations, and not ours.

Research has also shown that individuals who are given positive feedback tend to perform better than individuals who receive punishment. So, this is a double whammy for a lot of 2nd Gens. Not only are we trying to achieve our parents' goals and hopes, but we're also often doing so in the hopes of avoiding punishment.

Now, I'm not suggesting you ignore entirely what your parents tell you. There needs to be some wisdom and discretion on your part to not just be contrarian. However, if it comes to a point when you are feeling that you have done everything you can and that it is still not good enough, you may need to rethink their standards and question whether they are reasonable.

In particular, I'm most concerned with the phenomenon of learned helplessness. Martin Seligman, a famous psychologist, discovered that if you shocked a dog repeatedly without allowing him the opportunity to avoid the shock, the dog would eventually give up and stop reacting to the shocks (Note: this is a very very liberal summary of the experiment. I suggest you look up Martin Seligman, as his work is fascinating). Over time, the concepts of learned helplessness and depression have become closely tied - they share the traits of hopelessness, lack of effort or motivation for change, and the act of submission.

I often see that APS engenders the very same states in 2nd Gens: learned hopelessness and depression. It's understandable - if one repeatedly tries his best and fails to achieve his parents' standards, he will eventually give up. Accompanying the acceptance of failure is often a sense of sadness and self-disappointment, and worse, depression. Not good.

So, perhaps to avoid this, it is important to realize that your efforts are not successful not because you are failing, but because the standards were impossible to meet in the first place. This may take some work (and I highly recommend therapy) and some heavy internal wrangling, but I believe that it is important to dissociate oneself from the unreasonable. And more important, to stop oneself from internalizing the unachievable ideal.

To reiterate-- Rule #1: Accept that you will never be who or what they want you to be.

The backwards way of things...

You know you are Asian when... you call your dad to tell him you got your *second* graduate degree and he says, "oh nice. you're catching up with me and your mom. but none of us will ever have as many degrees as your brother."

to quote homer simpson: "DOH!"

Are Chinese Parents Superior?

i was enjoying a nice, relaxing weekend this past weekend with friends when i came into the living room to hear one of my friends reading this article about asian parenting. i got upset listening to her read it. in case you haven't read it, it's entitled "Why Chinese Mothers are Superior" and it was printed in the wall street journal. why the WSJ decided to print that, i don't know. in case you haven't read it, you can find it here.

it disturbed me for several reasons. first, i identified with some of the author's rules. they were ones that my parents enforced when i was a child and hearing them dredged up some of my lingering psychological trauma (yes, still residual) from never having been able to get a B or go to a sleepover. yes yes, all asian mothers say, sleepovers don't matter. you don't need to go. but honestly, when you're 10 and everyone else is going and all you want to do is be a kid, yes, it does matter. i still miss that i didn't get to go and now that i'm too old to have sleepovers, that precious opportunity is gone.

secondly, i just don't get how the author of this article thinks that her actions are laudable or something to boast about. she seems proud that she's authoritarian and inflexible, and that her children or overachievers, despite the fact that they're missing out on normal, developmental emotional and social experiences. i'd liken it boasting that you managed to tackle and cage a sleeping bunny rabbit. it's not something you would parade, because honestly, it's not a great thing.

finally, it bothers me because it's obvious that Asian parenting is not totally successful and that yes, it does have its consequences. sure, we might excel school or our careers, but what about personal well-being? doesn't that matter? research has found that Asian women are at extreme risk for suicide, as they are the most likely demographic to even attempt suicide (link here ). why? perhaps in part because we propagate this "model minority" myth, because there parents who think it's okay to push their kids to the brink of excessiveness.

the problem with the author's perspective is that it's one-dimensional. it assumes that getting As, or playing a song perfectly on the piano, is the ultimate goal. that's fine if you're an adult who chooses such things as the definition of success. children with parents who impose, or as Amy puts it, demands an A, are not in the situation to choose. they're subjected to the priorities and desires of their parents, and consequently, things like autonomy, feelings, personal strengths and weaknesses... what i would describe as a respect for the individual character, become moot.

the problem with that is when you learn to ignore the individual, and teach him or her to ignore their internal needs, feelings, wants, and limitations, you end up with a person who is disconnected with himself, and in tune with some abstract goal that was never theirs to begin with. it's no wonder why Asians are prone to depression; some parents create circumstances that are simply impossible. to me, regardless of how they try justify them, depriving a child of a childhood is never something that can be deemed "superior."

my momma told me...

my friends often comment to me how much of a role their parents play in their dating life. it's almost as if, one remarked, "my mom is dating my girlfriend. she's more picky than i am."

we've all been through this. why, exactly, are our parents so invested in our relationships? sure, it's the whole continuing bloodlines-lineage bit. they want their grandkids to be healthy, happy, smart, etc etc etc. to a certain point, it makes sense. but what's the deal when they start worrying about education, ethnicity (down to intra-Asia ethnicity), and my favorite, height and pallor? are my children really going to suffer by being short? i mean, i'm short. so i can't reach the top shelf in the grocery store, but does it really matter? i'm edumucated, healthy, happy.

i think every asian parent has a picture in their head of a perfect mate for their kids. except that this person doesn't exist. and our parents think that if we find that, if we achieve that sort of relationship, it'll be perfect. and, theoretically, the number of hiccups we (and our kids) encounter along the way will be reduced.

okay. i can accept that. except that it gets kind of ornery sometimes. our discussions about what and how things should be. it sometimes feels that my parents' opinions regarding my significant other is as important as my own preferences. that it's my duty as a child to fulfill their ideals in a mate. except that i'm the one living with him and cleaning up his dirty laundry and dealing with his shortcomings. why do their opinions seem to matter so much? why and when does it become about them and not us?

i dwelled on it for a while.

curious, i looked up the definition of confucius' filial piety. my dad is big on confucius. afterall, confucius did fathom up of a lot of the ideas that serve as the basis for the family values of us 2nd generation asian american folk.

a-hah!

amongst the whole treating others with respect and deference jazz is a sneaky little bit about "ensuring male heirs." i see. so that was back then. nowadays, the whole male heir thing has probably evolved now to be more of "ensuring successful and healthy heirs."

pretty clever mom and dad. in raising me, you not only taught me appropriate and respectful behavior in general, but managed to sneak a little programming loophole into my brain that allows you to have serious say in my decisions about my future mate and my here-to-fore unborn children. so while my normal reaction is to reject your input, i can't! it's hardwired into me to listen to you and pay heed to what you say! my brain, and my womb, are, in effect, yours!

ahhh. it all makes sense now. except that it doesn't. i can't help that i fell in love with who i did. and i can't convince the parents that it'll be okay when they truly, deeply, sincerely feel and fear that it won't.

so here we are, back to square one. with you being unhappy that i may be unhappy, when really, i am happy. we both want the same thing, and are striving for it, but why aren't we on the same page?