The How To's: Rule #2

Rule #2: With respect to romantic relationships, remember that you are the one doing the dating (marrying, courting, sexytime, whatever), not them.

Ugh. This one is rough. Really rough.

What to do when you are dating someone that your parents despise, disapprove, loathe, reject, disparage, ? I myself was in this situation numerous times, sometimes with good reason, other times not. In the end, I thankfully did not end up with my college boyfriend, and I thankfully did end up with my current partner, both of whom my parents both did not like. Their reasons for disliking each of them (along with the other fellows I dated along the way) both were and were not justified.

But the issue wasn't really whether or not they were right or reasonable or logical, or whether or not, in the end, he was "The One" for me. The issue was that I felt my own voice so crowded out by the panoply of their opinions that I couldn't muster my own. Interestingly, this took place on multiple levels. The first is that I could hear everything they had said in my head, loud and clear. During dates, the running commentary loop ran unceasingly through my head: "He's too short. He's not Ivy-league educated. His family doesn't have as much education as we do..." Imagine the Times Square sign with bright red lettering, except as a voice in your head. Impossible to block out, and yet, so so so incredibly exasperating and persistent.

On the second level, to make things worse, I had a really maddening case of what I call Metacognition Disease - inability to control secondary thoughts about initial thoughts. If I was angry at him for eating all my mochi, was it because they had pointed out to me that he had a tendency to be selfish? When I felt a disagreement arising, was it over something that bothered them or me? And if I did agree with their assessment, did it mean I was becoming them? Did I insist on staying with him because I wanted to defy my parents? If I didn't stay with him, was I giving into my parents' demands? I had no idea where my concerns or thoughts or decisions were coming from; dissociating their opinions from mine became a futile attempt at mind control.

There were also the fears about the future. How was I ever going to bring him into my family, knowing how they felt about him? And how was he ever going to be comfortable in my family, with full knowledge of how they felt about him? It's really hard to stay present in a relationship when the future inevitably holds insurmountable hurdles. Whatever joy you feel in the present is tainted and dimmed by the prospect of the looming difficulty.

Ok. So now that I've fully expounded on the insanity that ensues with more than 2 people in your relationship, I'll tell you how I got out of it.

It is my belief that one can never, ever, ever, be happy in a relationship unless it is completely his/her decision to be in it. (I think this applies as well to a profession, a major, an intramural soccer team, and your dinner entree choice, amongst other things). But what I mean by that is that unless you yourself have poured yourself completely into, and stand completely behind, why you are in the relationship, it won't go anywhere. Even if that means you are fighting against your parent's opinions.

And here's why. Relationships are really hard. 50% of couples don't get divorced for sh*ts and giggles. It takes work, lot of talking, honesty, you dropping that ego, and a willingness to give up what you want. And, unless you really want to do that, you aren't going give up what you want and it won't work. Fortunately, I do believe that most of us know what we really like and want. We know we prefer a certain look of a guy, we know how we want to feel around our partner (yeah, that crappy lonely feeling of not being understood is NOT what you want). We know it, but we are afraid of admitting it. Because what if we were honest with what we really wanted and chased it and failed? Well, there's no way of knowing if you will fail unless you throw yourself completely into giving it an honest attempt.

So, let's take the case of if what your parents say is true about your partner: "She is too short and likes to spend your money." Fine. Give them credit if it's true, but if it honestly doesn't matter to you, and you're willing to spend your day fighting for your relationship with someone who is short and a spendthrift, then do it. And if being with someone who is Harvard educated, tall, and rich means essentially nothing to you because that's not what you'll need to fight through the tough times, then be true to that. Don't seek that which you do not want. Seek what you need that makes YOU, and not your parents, want to carry through the years to come. And, in defense of your parents, don't blame them for being right. If what they said is chafing, it's probably because it's true and you're bothered by it too. However, just because a trait or quality bothers them and is something they cannot tolerate, does not mean the same for you. 

So when I say that remember it's you that's doing the dating, I'm saying, be brutally honest with yourself on what you need and want to make it through to the end of the day. If your parents call you out on something on what you need but don't have, pay heed to it. If they are worried about something that seems crucial to them but is irrelevant to you, ignore it.

And one last thing I want to add is that you and your partner will NOT become your parents. You can stop that with a healthy dose of brutally honest insight and determination (and maybe some therapy if you are really distressed over this). Don't let that fear stop you from giving someone worthwhile a good chance. We are all similar to our parents in some way, shape or form. Just remember that similarity does not equal manifestation.

Now go forth and be happy. Everyone deserves to be madly in love with the person they want to be. And so you do.