my friends often comment to me how much of a role their parents play in their dating life. it's almost as if, one remarked, "my mom is dating my girlfriend. she's more picky than i am."
we've all been through this. why, exactly, are our parents so invested in our relationships? sure, it's the whole continuing bloodlines-lineage bit. they want their grandkids to be healthy, happy, smart, etc etc etc. to a certain point, it makes sense. but what's the deal when they start worrying about education, ethnicity (down to intra-Asia ethnicity), and my favorite, height and pallor? are my children really going to suffer by being short? i mean, i'm short. so i can't reach the top shelf in the grocery store, but does it really matter? i'm edumucated, healthy, happy.
i think every asian parent has a picture in their head of a perfect mate for their kids. except that this person doesn't exist. and our parents think that if we find that, if we achieve that sort of relationship, it'll be perfect. and, theoretically, the number of hiccups we (and our kids) encounter along the way will be reduced.
okay. i can accept that. except that it gets kind of ornery sometimes. our discussions about what and how things should be. it sometimes feels that my parents' opinions regarding my significant other is as important as my own preferences. that it's my duty as a child to fulfill their ideals in a mate. except that i'm the one living with him and cleaning up his dirty laundry and dealing with his shortcomings. why do their opinions seem to matter so much? why and when does it become about them and not us?
i dwelled on it for a while.
curious, i looked up the definition of confucius' filial piety. my dad is big on confucius. afterall, confucius did fathom up of a lot of the ideas that serve as the basis for the family values of us 2nd generation asian american folk.
a-hah!
amongst the whole treating others with respect and deference jazz is a sneaky little bit about "ensuring male heirs." i see. so that was back then. nowadays, the whole male heir thing has probably evolved now to be more of "ensuring successful and healthy heirs."
pretty clever mom and dad. in raising me, you not only taught me appropriate and respectful behavior in general, but managed to sneak a little programming loophole into my brain that allows you to have serious say in my decisions about my future mate and my here-to-fore unborn children. so while my normal reaction is to reject your input, i can't! it's hardwired into me to listen to you and pay heed to what you say! my brain, and my womb, are, in effect, yours!
ahhh. it all makes sense now. except that it doesn't. i can't help that i fell in love with who i did. and i can't convince the parents that it'll be okay when they truly, deeply, sincerely feel and fear that it won't.
so here we are, back to square one. with you being unhappy that i may be unhappy, when really, i am happy. we both want the same thing, and are striving for it, but why aren't we on the same page?
1 comment:
Just a note, more and more white people are starting to take notice of APS. Some have been involved in European American/Asian American relationships where the Asian parent of their significant other is an unwelcome obstacle. Others hear of the pressures their Asian and Asian American friends face from their parents, especially if they're of school or college age.
To AP's parenting in stereotypically authoritarian ways: your parenting practices may face increased scrutiny from wider society as your communities become more prominent. Please direct your parenting in a direction towards democracy, creativity, and individualism. Failure to do so may invite ridicule, disdain, anger, and the occasional visit from your state's child protection services, to say nothing of lifelong resentment from your children.
Just sayin'.
Sincerely,
White guy who's WAY too interested in what goes on in Asian American families because he's a nosy armchair anthropologist who's kind of a douche
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